I know you don’t understand healing and that’s okay. I understand life is suffering, but I also understand life is healing. I don’t want to convince you that everyone deserves to heal, I want to share with you my healing journey.
I have come far. I use to live in a very dark place. At times I thought about ending my life, because I didn’t know how to deal with my own pain, my mother’s and our world. At times I felt worthless. I felt ashamed of my body, my mind. I felt dirty. I didn’t understand what my life meant. I was confused, angry, sad, and ashamed of the way I felt about myself. I created my own internal suffering by blaming it on my past trauma. What happened was evil, but I got to a point where I realized I was spending my energy blaming myself, and my perpetrators, rather than healing myself and opening my heart up.
As I continue to clear my mind and allow positive thoughts to enter and stay, I see life differently. I still don’t have life figured out, but I feel whole. I know that for a fact. I feel the Universe inside of me. I feel alive. As I experience my own healing journey I realize that you may not understand my inner transformation because you can’t see it. I can’t use numbers to explain or quantify it. All I have is my words. In a way, I love that about myself and healing. Healing is a completely individual and unique experience that has the power to transform a person into who they really are. For the first time in my life I feel joy and happiness. I may not have a Ph.D. or a law degree, and while I had the opportunity, I choose myself and healing.
As I continue to heal my life and my past wounds, I am empowering others to heal. I may not not be a millionaire though this career, but I’ve accepted that I will find ways to support myself financially and other follow my passion of empowering others to reclaim their lives. It’s not your standard 9-5 job and I won’t have a guaranteed salary, but are there really any guarantees in life?
Trauma has the ability to be transformed into something beautiful. I have wrestled with my demons, but I have also had angels guide me along the way. I understand the whole human experience is exactly this. My life is enfolding just as it should. I am experiencing everything that I need to grow stronger and wiser.
I’ve worked in the business world, the economic development world, the humanitarian and aid world and I realized that at the end of the day none of this was going to solve our global problems. Establishing economic systems is important to improving a communities livelihood, but it’s not the only solution. We need a holistic approach. We don’t just need people who care about these issues, we need people who have taken the time to heal their wounds. That’s what I am doing.
I can’t give you a time line. I can’t give you a number, but I can tell you I feel at peace. As I slow down I realize all the things I missed out on and how I want to spend the rest of my life, enjoying every breath I take, every human interaction I have in the day.
You still may not understand the point of healing and that’s okay. I’m not upset with you for not understanding. I love you and I know everything is going to be okay. I’m going to keep trying.
“In the early seventies a friend kept telling me, “Whatever you do, don’t try to make those feelings go away.” His advice went on: “Anything you can learn about working with your sense of discouragement or your sense of fear or your sense of bewilderment or your sense of feeling inferior or your sense of resentment—anything you can do to work with those things—do it, please, because it will be such an inspiration to other people.”
That was really good advice. So when I would start to become depressed, I would remember, “Now wait a minute. Maybe I just have to figure out how to rouse myself genuinely, because there are a lot of people suffering like this, and if I can do it, they can do it.” I felt a sense of interconnectedness. “If a schmuck like me can do it, anybody can do it.” That’s what I used to say, that if a miserable person like me—who’s completely caught up in anger and depression and betrayal—if I can do it, then anyone can do it, so I’m going to try.”