“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” ~Leo Tolstoy
Grief is a powerful emotion. My Polish grandmother died from grief, a broken heart. I remember going to her house after my grandfather passed away and I could feel her pain in the other room. Her husband, her best friend, her lover, her life long companion and partner, physically had left this world and she did not know any other way to live, but only in grief and despair. Watching her taught me a lot about life and how powerful grief can be if we can understand how to grow from grief rather than remain stuck and lost in a new way of living and perceiving life.
I’ve seen grief in many forms from deaths, to physical and emotional traumas to cancer. It can be devastating to watch someone suffer through grief. I’ve spent my own years in the dark working to over come my own grief.
I’ve been wrestling with grief recently and not in the form I am usually use to. These last few days I have been grieving the loss of my former lover. I recently ended a romantic relationship because I knew in my heart I needed to take the time to enter into my full healing. I made a commitment to my self to be my own lover before I fully give my heart to someone else as a romantic lover. It was the first time I made a decision to honor my needs to reclaim my sexuality. Although I deeply loved this person, I made this decision because I had to learn to love my self even more. I need to fully and wholly commit to becoming my own lover.
And here I am writing about grief. Although my lover is still physically in this world, I had to wrap my head around this deep sense of sadness I was experiencing. Why grief? Although I knew I needed to do to honor my journey, the transition is not easy. Now I am in my grieving stage. It hurts. It feels like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I cry. I laugh. I cry some more.
Grief is an interesting feeling and emotion. It can feel overwhelming and terribly depressing. It can consume the self of sorrow and sadness. It can tear the heart apart and fill the mind with thoughts of hopelessness. A sense of sadness lingers with you where ever you go.
On the other hand grief is a beautiful emotion. We experience grief because our ability to love. My grief at this moment has been extremely overwhelming and I realized what a gift it is that I have the ability to love someone, every part of me. Grief comes with the ability to love because it is what makes up human. I’ve decided grief will not stop me, but rather empower me to continue giving my whole heart because I desire to feel human.
And then it hit me. Rather than only dwelling in my grief, why not celebrate it too? Grief has been one of my greatest teachers and lovers.
Today I dedicate to celebrating my grief. Loosing this one person in my life as a lover doesn’t mean I can’t love others during my grieving. Love is always with me and I always have the ability to share it with others, not just in a romantic sense.
I decided to go to the farmers market and buy nourishing food to have a feast with my self tonight and grief. To welcome grief to the table and thank it for reminding me I am a loving human being. (Welcome to the dinner table grief, tonight we’re serving fresh, hot vegetable soup). While I was at the market I connected with people. I realized that I can bring grief with me and still connect with the heart of others. Grief is what allows me to connect, because grief is a form of love. I love everywhere I go, because I feel it’s what pays my rent for living on this earth.
Grief fuels my being. I understand what it feels like to be so sad you don’t want to wake up in the morning and I understand what it feels like when someone tells you that you look really beautiful. Maybe it’s that one act of kindness, that one compliment you give someone that allows them to not become so overwhelmed in their grief and maybe even save their life. I refuse to allow grief to hold us back from our potential from a life worth living and dancing for.
I’ll never stop loving and I know I’ll always experience grief when another “unexpected” life event hits me in the face again. Grief has opened my heart up to the world and it comes in many forms. Grief brings me closer to life. It allows me to realize that life is worth celebrating, that to love someone with my whole heart is the most beautiful gift I can give someone else and also my self.
Grief will always be part of my life. The sadness of loosing a loved one will always be with us, but let us allow grief to teach us how to share our heart with others.We don’t talk about grief because it’s sad, but grief is with us everywhere we go. We can’t shut it out or stop it, because it’s there to be with us through our heart break. It’s empowering us to grow and to bloom into a human being that gives and receives with their full heart.
I don’t think grief ever gets easier the more you learn to be with it, but it continues to teach me the wonders that this world holds and most importantly the whole hearted love we deserve and can always find within our self.