“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” -Fred (Mr.) Rogers
I thought as I walked my healing journey trauma in my life would slowly disappear.
What I know now for certain is that trauma never leaves our life, but we do have the ability to find tools and people that empower us to become resilient and authentic human beings.
I have also found the importance in sharing our stories and feelings with one another to better connect one another. This has become one of my greatest gifts I have given my self and the world.
A year and a half ago I met the love of my life, little did I know what was to become of us. As we left for our summer around the world travels, in different locations, we agreed to keep in touch and meet up by the end of the summer. He booked a ticket to see me, but cancelled it last minute to fly home and go to the doctor to check a lump on his neck.
The dreaded words came, “Your cancer has come back”. Three weeks later I was on a plane back home as he prepared for chemotherapy. Almost four months went by and the sicker he became. Once treatment was done he came back home and we started to plan our life together in the next following months.
And then the phone call came again, “The cancer has spread to the lungs”. Our worlds were turned upside down. Less than a year the doctors gave. We had just planned to move to Colorado and start fresh, cancer-free, but our true journey of love and life was only just beginning.
When the trauma hit me again I didn’t go back to my old, unhealthy and self-destructive behaviors. I allowed myself to release, to cry, to grieve, to be okay with not being okay. Life doesn’t always make sense, it doesn’t always feel good, but I will get through this one day at a time.
I now know that whatever is placed in my life I will survive and thrive from and I know at the end of the day I am becoming a more compassionate person because of it.
Trauma is a beast, but it has also allowed me to become gentle with myself. At the end of the day we’re human beings living together in a world where we are just trying to figure things as best as we can, especially our trauma. Why not share that with each other? There is humility in sharing and caring with one another through the pain and grief.
As I grieve from my trauma I grieve for those who are experiencing their own forms of trauma. I know we’re never alone in our trauma and in our healing journey. Some days I cry in the shower, I cry in the car, I cry myself to sleep, but in those same days I also experience moments of joy, of love, of deep presence with my love one.
Surviving trauma all over again has softened me. It has allowed me to become more vulnerable and authentic with others. I love deeper than I have ever loved before. I feel deeper than I have ever felt before. I accept my trauma for what it is and know that if I have survived past trauma, I will survive this. I must allow myself to be human through this process.
It’s not easy, but it can be beautiful. Your world has changed, but look at what it has brought into your life. We are here to experience and feel, to surrender to the unknown , and find the peace in our hearts to connect with one another.
Every day I am learning what it means to be alive even as I experience trauma. The world continues to spin and my heart continues to be open to whatever is to come. I may not understand it, I may not like it, but I accept it for what it is. I will be okay, but I must take it day by day
Today I choose to simply love my lover, to love the people who surround me, and to be grateful for the person I am today as I continue to survive and thrive, one day at a time.