Too often we cling to the concept of control because we assume it’s the best thing to do.
I tried to control my body and emotions through eating disorders, cutting, suicidal thoughts, anti depressants, anxiety, medication and self-hatred.
There were times I didn’t want to live. My body was eating itself away. I was emotional numb. I had no concept of union inside myself or in the world around me. I was lost in my own miserable traumatic story.
The thing was I was never really in control. My mind tricked itself into thinking I was in control because of my self destructive behavior. I was not only harming myself, I was hurting my family and friends. I was loosing control and hiding behind my self hatred.
It took me a few years to come to terms with this. I completely lost touch with myself. I labeled myself as “bad” rather than seeing myself as someone who could change and transform in a wiser and healthier person.
More often than not we are our own worst critic. We call ourself names and label ourself that only end up disconnecting us more.
We must learn to let go of control to gain balance.
When I began to forgive myself and clean up my self destructive behavior my concept of control changed. When can’t control our life, or other people, but we can make healthy choices. We can always choose to become better.
I started to eat a vegetarian diet. I joined more community groups. I connected with more people. I volunteered. I became a running captain. I treated my body with respect. I began a journey of learning to love myself. I surrendered to what I didn’t know was out there for me. I gave up the idea that I was in charge. I was never really in charge.
I’ve come to peace with my past. It will always be part of me, but it doesn’t control me. The more I let go, the more I can let in. Be open to letting go. Give it a chance. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.